Things I Don’t Say…But I Sure Want To


If I said everything I really wanted to say, I’m sure every bone in my body would have been broken and I would still probably be serving jail time. I have learned to not say MOST of what I am thinking MOST of the time. I feel the need to write out what most often pops in my head in situations that occur often in my life, with the hopes that these little sayings will mosey on out of my brain and I can be as civilized on the inside as I pretend to be on the outside.

I am not hopeful that this will help, however.

Grocery Store:

Checker: Find everything you needed?

What I Want To Say: Dude, I came in here for milk. I’m buying $113 worth of crap I forgot I needed and the milk is nowhere in sight, but now I’m too tired to walk back there and get it.

What I Actually Say: Yes, I sure did.

Expensive Little Boutique Store:

Sales Girl (disdainfully): Can I help you?

What I Want To Say: You are working here. I am shopping here. You need to lose the ‘tude. Haven’t you ever seen Pretty Woman?! Big Mistake! Huge!

What I Actually Say: Just browsing…thanks.

Restaurant:

Waiter/Waitress: What would you like to drink?

What I Want To Say: Just bring me a bottle of wine or a shot glass and some Tequila. Can’t you see that I have my kids with me, I’m trying to work, and my hair is not even fixed? Can you drive me home? I’ll tip really big.

What I Actually Say: Water would be great.

Clients:

Client: Can you….? and then change…? and resize this to……? and change the colors and switch the graphics all out????

What I Want To Say: …. (sound of crying and throwing things against a wall)

What I Actually Say: Sure thing.

Parents:

Mom/Dad: What are y’all doing?

What I Want To Say: You called just in time to intervene. I was about to drive away leaving your adorable grandchildren to themselves because I am tired of making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and refereeing in the “World’s Stupidest Fight Championship” they are currently participating in.

What I Actually Say: Nothing. What are y’all doing?

Hubby:

Hubs: Hey. Just calling to see what you guys are doing.

What I Want To Say: It’s 5 hours and 37 minutes until you get home if traffic is light. Get your ass home soon. No dwaddling in the office hallways, mister.

What I Actually Say: School, work, house stuff. The usual. What are you doing?

Kids:

Kid: Mom…

What I Want To Say: Nope.

What I Actually Say: Nope.

Gym:

Dude: Do you want me to lower the weight for you?

What I Want To Say: No, you big thug. That’s my warm-up weight. I got this. Do I look weak to you? Do I? You can wipe that crazy smirk off your face while I show you how it’s done.

What I Actually Say: Nah…I got it. Thanks.

Friends:

Friend: How was your day?

What I Want To Say: Today was not good. I drove over a nail and got a flat tire, Hayes spilled milk in the van and didn’t tell me for 3 days, my server crashed and all my websites were down, I broke my favorite coffee mug, and burned dinner.

What I Actually Say: It was good! You?

Good Friends:

Friend: How was your day?

What I Want To Say: It was good! You?

What I Actually Say: Today was not good. I drove over a nail and got a flat tire, Hayes spilled milk in the van and didn’t tell me for 3 days, my server crashed and all my websites were down, I broke my favorite coffee mug, and burned dinner. Come on over. Bring wine.

 

Okay…I feel a tiny bit better and no one was harmed in the writing of this post.

 

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