How to Be a Mom


There are a lot of important things women need to know about being a mom. This list is not at all comprehensive, but may serve as a basic guide on “How to Be a Mom”. Notice I did NOT say a “good mom”. Just a mom.  

1. Have a kid.

This is important. If you don’t have a kid, it’s hard to be a mom. Not impossible, but hard. Many women have nephews, nieces, children of friends, and husbands that may also count toward this requirement.

 

 2. Say Goodbye to Good Hygiene.

No one wants to be covered in poop and urine – especially someone else’s. Guess what? You’re going to need to get over that. You’re going to need to get over a lot of things: showering daily, fear of someone seeing your breasts, snot, talking about poop in public, and eating leftover cheerios out of your car cup holder because you haven’t had a chance to eat in 21 hours. Welcome to motherhood.

 

 3. Never Sleep

In case you were wondering, no. NO, you will never sleep a full night again. This is because you have a baby, then a toddler, then a tween, then a teenager, and then…yes, grandkids. Even when your child is asleep, you will get up to check on them. You will not go to sleep until you know they are breathing, every lock has been triple checked, and your body simply refuses to be awake one second longer. And then you’ll be up before you know it.

 

 4. Learn Repetition

You will say everything at least five times, so get used to repeating yourself. Pick up your Legos. Pick up your Legos! PICK. UP. Your Legos!! PICK UP YOUR LEGOS RIGHT NOW!! You will get sick of the sound of your own voice. The one caveat to this is that if you whisper ANYTHING you don’t want your little ones to hear, they can be outside and four doors away and they will still hear you.

 

5. Get Used to Drama

Every thing about every minute of every day is a dramatic moment. The seam on the toes of your sock aren’t just right? Well, by all means, throw a 15 minute tantrum about it. That’ll help. You wanted the red cup and I gave you the blue? OH NO!! Your life is crap now, right? I’m the worst mom EVER!!

 

6. Learn the Art of Negotiation

I swear that if moms could negotiate peace treaties with other countries, we’d have all this crud sorted out in a matter of minutes. We know how to trade apple slices for animal crackers and good grades for X-boxes. We can handle play dates, sibling quarrels, and complete meltdowns with one Goldfish laden arm behind our backs. {We can also negotiate “intimate times” with hubbies in exchange for household chores. Everyone wins!}

 

7. Pack Everything You Own For Every Trip

It doesn’t matter if you’re going on a day trip or staying a week somewhere…the amount of crap you pack is the same. Wipes, diapers, sunscreen, clothes, toys, food, bottles, emergency wipes, emergency diapers – you get the idea. We can fit the entire house into the trunk of a Toyota Corolla with room to spare. Yes, there is a Wal-Mart where we’re going. We know this. BUT we already have this stuff – and we don’t have to drag a kid with us into a freakin WAL-MART! Ok…I’m calm now. Trust us. It’s better this way.

 

8. Lower Your Expectations

Will your house be spotless once the little ones arrive? No. Will you ever be as carefree and worry only about your own self ever again? No. Will you drive a clean, sporty car ever again? Not a chance. Will you be able to finish a sentence without multiple interruptions? Nada. It’s time to embrace this. Ask different questions. Is my face clean of all visible food? Check. Teeth brushed in the last day? Great. Gas in the completely trashed out car? Wonderful. Do my socks match? Oh, well. Three out of 4 ain’t bad.

 

9. Have the Ability to Tune Out Noise

Cartoons blaring, kids crying, and dishwasher running? What? They are?  I’m just sitting here pretending I’m on a beach. Far away. Where there is no peanut butter and jelly and the only butt I have to wipe is my own. This ability will be learned over time, dear new mothers. I promise. 

 

10. Have a Support System

Every mom (parent) needs a support system. You need other moms, dads, friends, parents, neighbors, siblings, grocery store checkers, babysitters, mailmen, housekeepers, chauffeurs, chefs, priests, lawn care people, wine, prayer warriors, masseuses, and hot pool boys (maybe this one is just me), to get you through this. If only we had all of those people to help! Parenthood is hard. There’s no course you take and once you’re certified, congrats! You are now qualified to raise a child.

 

I’d write more, but my son is proudly showing me all the stuff that just came out of his nose that he blew into the t-shirt I was about to put on. I’m such a mom…all I could say was, “Wow! That’s impressive! Please put that in the washing machine.”

 And on that note…

 

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