Lonely in the Crowd

As a woman who homeschools, is half of a great marriage, has her own business, lives in a social neighborhood, and is close with her family, you’d think I’d never be lonely. You’d be wrong. I’m not complaining or whining or anything. It’s just that I do get lonely. And I think most women feel this way at some point.

“Busyness” does not equal “connectedness”. Yes, like 98% of women I know, I am busy. Yes, like most women, I handle a lot. I have great friends. I have a great hubby. I have NO major problems. But…I sometimes feel lost in the crowd. Scratch that. Just lost. Period.

Constantly being the point person for meals, chauffering, teaching, clients, cleaning and all the rest is tiring. Not to mention all the planning, shopping, and logistical configurations that happen daily just so the rest of the family survives the day. Is this really what life is supposed to be?

I sometimes get jealous of my husband. He goes to work and leaves all this behind and gets to concentrate on his work. He’s not worried about meals, cleaning, kids, or all of that. He doesn’t have to worry. I’m handling it. I’m also handling MY work. Again, he’s wonderful. I’m not complaining or anything – I’m just saying that sometimes I feel this way. Do you feel that way, too, or is it just me?

I guess this is where the lonely feeling comes in. I’m truly not upset about anything. I just feel like I don’t really have a chance to figure out what I need to do to be more of what I want to be because I’m focused on keeping three other people alive. In doing that, I feel like I’m not truly connecting with the people I really want to connect with…because I’m not showing them who I really am. Does that make sense? Maybe I feel like it’s a little on the top layer of the friendship levels and not to the deeper levels where I want it to be.

To be truthful, most of my day is spent with my kids and on the phone with clients. At my house. Most of my friends are either at work or taking care of their own children. We text and stuff – I mean, it’s not like I’m in isolation – but getting together with people when you have to put the kids to bed or your hubby doesn’t get home until late makes it really hard to be around people at night.

It’s not even that, really. I know I’m totally using this post to pinpoint what is it exactly that is making me feel weird, but this nagging feeling won’t go away and I need to figure this out. I don’t really know what I want or what I need to focus on. 

That’s it. I feel lonely because I’m not in tune with myself right now. I’ve become a stranger who checks in with herself every once in a while and makes sure I’m still there, but doesn’t take the time to listen to what I have to say. And that’s a shame, because I’m pretty darn funny and know a lot of random stuff.

I need to be my own best friend. Aren’t we supposed to love our neighbor as we love ourself? Maybe between all the teaching, the working, the cleaning, the cooking, the running around…I need to make a date with myself. Get all dressed up, put on makeup, and meet myself for coffee. Figure stuff out in my head.

I think I will. I have a pretty good personality – I could make this work. I’m exactly my type.

And if you ever get bored during the day, give me a call.



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