Shaving sucks. There’s always some places you miss that you don’t notice until you’re out in a bathing suit on a boat in the middle of nowhere and notice a big patch that you missed. And it’s always embarrassing and always inconvenient and always ruins the trip because it makes you self-conscious. And who brings a razor on boat?!
I shave everyday in the summer, and still can’t manage to get all those pesky hairs. Realistically, no one is looking at me and wouldn’t notice a few stray hairs anyway, and I am saying this because I am praying to God almighty that it’s true. All the other women are concerned about themselves and the hairs they missed. Oh, and their children. The men aren’t paying attention to anything anyway. Right? Please tell me I’m right.
Also, I wear shorts now. I’ve reached that point in my life. You know, that point of “I’m-Not-Old-But-I-Don’t-Want-My-A**-Hanging-Out-All-Day”. Plus, I save a ton of sunscreen not having to slather it all over my thighs and booty. It’s a real money saver.
Speaking of sunscreen, what exactly is this stuff? I mean, what is so powerful that it STOPS THE SUN RAYS FROM HARMING YOU. That is some serious crap. The sun helps everything grow. It affects everything in the solar system. It’s huge. It’s hot. But the lotion that you bought at the grocery store for $6.99 can stop it from burning your delicate skin. Why aren’t we putting this stuff all over the glaciers to prevent them melting?! Save the planet, y’all! Load up the Copper Tone and head to the Arctic, you “brilliant” scientists! Geez!
I think I just solved Global Warming.
If the earth is getting so hot, why doesn’t it kill the weeds in my flower beds and stump the growth of my grass? When I get hot, I tend to shrink. Don’t you? I sweat. I’m not as hungry. Shouldn’t grass and weeds do the same? Why do they grow when it’s heat stroke inducing weather? It’s always a choice between being “that house” in the neighborhood or dying because of crabgrass in my flower beds.
I hate crabgrass. It’s evil and it mocks me with it’s long, long roots.
It’s like the hair on my legs. No matter how much I shave, it’s always there. Waiting to spring up just when I thought I conquered it.
Crabgrass is the bikini area of gardens. Blah.
The kids just asked me to go the waterpark today and now I have to go get back in the shower and break out the new razors.
I’d stay and write, but this could take a while.
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